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All I’m saying is if I were a yeast, I would want to live in your yoga pants. My personal theory is that Candida is something you get from too much hot yoga. You know you’ve really made it in this world when you get Candida.
#Gizzed in my pants driver
I skip this aisle because I’m not rich enough to have dietary restrictions.Įver notice that you don’t meet poor people with special diet needs? A gluten intolerant house cleaner? A cab driver with Candida? Candida is what I call a rich, white person problem. Next I see the gluten-free section filled with crackers and bread made from various wheat-substitutes such as cardboard and sawdust. I believe this thing is called “The Mother,” which makes it that much creepier. The first thing I see is the great wall of kombucha-42 different kinds of rotten tea.įun fact: the word kombucha is Japanese for ‘I gizzed in your tea.’ Anyone who’s ever swallowed the glob of mucus at the end of the bottle knows exactly what I’m talking about. Seriously, think about Heaven and then think about Whole Foods they’re basically the same.
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I leave behind the concrete jungle and enter a cornucopia of organic bliss the land of hemp milk and honey. He crept up on her like a panther.Īs the great, sliding glass doors part I am immediately smacked in the face by a wall of cool, moist air that smells of strawberries and orchids. Poor lady didn’t even hear him approaching because he was driving a Prius. As he speeds off I catch his bumper sticker, which says Namaste. This driver swerves around her and honks. As I pull up this morning, I see a pregnant lady on the crosswalk holding a baby and groceries. Unlike Vegas, Whole Foods’ clientele are all about mindfulness and compassion…until they get to the parking lot. You go there to feel good but you leave broke, disoriented, and with the new-found knowledge that you have a vaginal disease. We grew up, or failed to grow up, with Kelly in the Buddhist community and she’s blogging here, now, too. This article is adapted from Kelly’s on Huffington Post.